Living life on a silver edge
Unable to see over a pompous hedge
Of grainy ire and conformity
Deforming the way that I try to see me
The rusty drip occludes the vision
Of empty faces and derision
All that I get when I want what I don’t have
Is the oblivion of a little fat kid’s corrosive salve
So when the angels in my mind have eloped
Help me out and just pass me a smoke
To take me away to a distance place
And get me out of this headspace.
What happens when I make a pledge
To offer my services to those less privileged?
How many people are on this earth
Who will never get what they deserve?
And I take and I take and I take
And I rape
And I pillage everything that doesn’t hold my stake.
Call me a surgeon – a vivisection
Is what I need to stop this insurrection
As everything inside of me colludes into turmoil.
More than just the tip, dear mohel.
I need it all taken out of me
So I can open myself to the powers that be.
Breaking out in acne scars
Fears unbroken I’m torn apart
Wreaking havoc, try new fabrics
But this quilt remains in fractions.
Empty spaces will always be unfilled
From across the table the water spills
Into my lap
I source the sap
From a hapless maple tree.
Sweetness flows down my chin, over my skin
Into an endless black abyss.
A little kiss of hate and debilitating pain
Washed away by a little rain.
Open the door and I’ll come back
I will attack the work with determination.
I’m inconsiderate.
And I am selfish.
How did my life become so goddamn hellish?
And the levy breaks
Down pours the heavy lakes
A cigarette I take
To destroy my perfect trach.
Maybe it’s better if I never say a word
People can’t listen if I remain unheard.
What does it matter if the masses can’t hear
Things that I speak when I’m not even clear
On what I want to say?
Hell, I’m not important anyway.
Locusts chirp and whippoorwills chatter
I can’t look in the mirror since I keep on getting fatter.
I’m a slobbering mess of a man who thinks he is
Going to make it worse
And life has proved that hypothesis.
Get me out of this mess, this rabble of emptiness.
Lord, I ask for help and I know you hear.
But do I mean what I say when I try to steer clear
Of any selfishness any egotism
Antisocial, heteronormative, sensationalism?
Find me a rhythm, I’m losing my beat
As the ground falls away from beneath my feet.
And I fall into that neverending abyss.
Things that I see are always amiss.
My err in my judgment of all that is cogent
This glue does not stick and I feel so sick.
My knees
Are weak.
So I fall to the bedrock where everything’s dead and bleak.
Disembodied whispers like the wind
Spinning around and making my hair grow thin
Running my hands through my sordid do
Pulling it out and including the roots.
Throwing to the ground more fertile than my own
I’m on my own but I’m not longer alone
In this limelight of broken dreams
I feel other’s hands grab my shoulders and heave
Me to my feet
To look up toward the sky from whence I fell.
All the eyes they look back at me
Of vivid blues, and browns, and greens.
They are alight and filled with a fight,
Behind each of them rests a comfortable fright.
Like a forest of burgeoning flora
And every minute feels like I’m in endless allure
To join the ranks of these comely few
And do the things I was always meant to do.
I am selfish
And I am fine
But I’m not on my own in the end of time.
Totally naked and totally scared
Laying on a table where my guts are fully bare
Totally barren and confused
Show me a way to dispel this ruse.
For these constructions inside of my mind
Have been so loathsome and unkind
And I’ve hated people for too long
This misanthropy has run its course
And I want it gone.
Begin to awake and open my eyes
Aware of the antipathic lies
I once thought I would find the answer
In a needle or between a pair of thighs.
Someone gave me a jacket when I was cold
And toured me around sights I’d never behold
Until I could eventually help someone else
And tour them through a look at themselves.
Time doesn’t move as slow, things move fast
Things don’t last
Everything changes – it’s time to go.
I always have a problem
And no person can solve them
It’s kind of counterintuitive
But to my mental state it’s condusive
I’ve come to a conclusion
It’s finally over
I’m done talking because I spoke too long
Insecurities are still there
But I have a solution and it doesn’t feel wrong
For the first time in my life
I get an escape from disastrous strife
I’ve got no kids, nor a wife
But I don’t need these to be okay
For I’m living a totally different way.
I’m still scared and still confused
But no longer under the hegemonic wrath
Of delusion.
Obsession gone.
My voice is strong.
The empty spaces are filled with a song.
Shut me up for I can’t stop speaking
The longer I go, the thread is unweaving.
So I’m done.
